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| ....on one of his 'happy days' having a joke with Nan.... |
As each day goes by, I
see the many variables that A.J. faces due to his ASD symptoms.
While knowing he's
already passed so very many hurdles/milestones, gaining so much progress,
and yet understanding
he still faces regular set-backs and regression, that is churning him around in
a vortex of confusion.
How can I help? What
can I do differently to make things right, or better?
We both know in the
moment he can't change what is going on. I feel so helpless.
Hearing him try and
explain the emotional anxiety he faces, with what most state as a casual
non-eventful day, is so heart-wrenching.
This is A.J.'s story
in his words…………..
………..."If you
look at me, greet me, or even talked to me, you may not realise the things I
have to cope with.
I am capable of hiding
every disability I have, 'if' I work very hard and focus.
But I prefer not to,
as it hurts so much on the inside……
……I do have a few
friends, they can talk to me and I respond, as much as possible;
Although I worry about
what I say and how I say it.
Did I say it right?
Should I have said it
at all?
Do I laugh at your
joke, or was it a joke?
…..I work so hard to
fight against my anxiety. I know I need help……
I realise how hard
socialising is and mostly I think it isn't really for me.
If I am somewhere
around anyone I don't know or trust, even at school, I can become consumed with
fear as I try to control my thoughts and feelings.
I don't see how I can
be the way others are and I always worry I'm doing things to stand out,
something I don't like to happen……
I'm left struggling to maintain any form of balance,
because every anxiety attack I have, no one sees it, not even my own family,
but I do.
In my mind I scream and tear myself apart, and throw
every part of me away.
I feel left out when I see others enjoying different
things together, I want to enjoy it too, but I can't find it in myself to do
it. I seem to 'force' myself to have fun. I am not sure if I find other company
good or bad.
Then there are the
times when I'm alone, it gives me time to actually get things done, but
sometimes I never do, because I'm still trying to unwind after all that
peopling.
And when I'm not
peopling or settling down from peopling, I have a few things to help me,
I find things that
require little energy, that can be immersive so I can forget about my
stresses.
I like to use the
punching bag, I love to hug my dog she always knows when I'm sad or unwell.
But mostly I love
doing the one thing that has made me happy from the day I was born - MUSIC.
Music to me is
motivation, inspiration, the first reason to live and breathe.
I love to listen to
music, sing along with songs, analyse music, write songs, play my guitar, and I
love to mix digital music.
I also like to write
stories, without music I never would be writing this as it's calming and helps
me focus.
When I started writing
stories it made me realise things I never thought of before.
It started with me
thinking of myself being a character I wrote in my story called "Opposing
Lights"
it gave me a way to
think about being in the position he was in during his journey.
thinking "how
would 'he' feel when 'this' happened? What would 'he' do? What would others do?
I make it a bit more
interesting as I alter the personality of the character I'm roleplaying in my
mind".
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